Everyone keeps telling me they want the truth. The “Real” me. The me behind the walls and closed doors. So this is it. This is the me without the sugar coating.
Firstly….I am the kind of girl who has always been “one of the guys.” I would much rather be in sweats but I dress up because that’s what has always been expected of me. I regret lots of things from my past. I love sports. I’ve always been the kind of girl where everyone knows my name, but no one really takes the time to get to know me. I am the type of girl that no matter how much pain I am in I will always take the time to make someone else feel better. I act tough, but I am probably not as tough as I seem. I am the type of girl that can take so much pain, and it all stays bottled inside. I’m the kind of girl that you would have no idea what really has happened in my life. I am the kind of girl that wishes everything could be different.
I am not perfect. My life is a wreck. I have a few friends that would die for me. I have the mental stability right now of a psychiatric patient. I smile when I want to cry. I laugh when I want to scream. I pretend that nothing is wrong because most of the time I can’t face the truth. I hide behind fake smiles because I don’t know how to be anything other than okay. Behind the smile, behind the courage, behind the laughter, is the pain and hurt and sorrow that I am not ready to deal with. Sometimes all you can do is smile and pretend everything’s okay. Hold back the tears, and just walk away. I have lost almost all the people I depended on, whether it be death or betrayal. But despite everything that’s happened, the one reason I keep hanging on and fighting, is the hope that one day it will all get better.
Sometimes people get hurt in certain ways, and can never be fixed. They don’t tell you that when you are little. It’s hard watching the people in your life break, but it’s even harder when you break. When I broke, I was told…”Never tell your problems to anyone…20% don’t care, and the other 80% are glad you have them.” I still tell myself that everyday.
I have never believed in a perfect ending. I believe life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.
Letting go doesn’t mean giving up… Most of life’s lessons are learned in pain but sometimes letting go of the past is the only way to survive the present. The thing is, you don’t know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have. I don’t have the luxury of putting things off to “one of these days,” or “someday.”
So how do I feel now? This is how I feel. I feel like I have been fighting my entire life and all I want is a break. I feel like I am giving all I can, but it’s never enough. I feel like people want to understand, but I don’t think they can. I feel like everyday when I wake up, it’s a little worse than the last. I feel like I am overwhelmed at the battles that lie ahead of me and I am trying to take them one step at a time. I feel like I might not be strong enough to get through them. I feel like what I really need to do is shut up, not involve anyone and silently fight my battles. I feel like I am too much of a burden to anyone else. I feel scared. I feel frustrated. And I feel like the strength I need to do this all is fading fast.
