Ok so this is going to be the most difficult entry I have written so far. To be honest I don’t even know where to start. It is going to be brutally honest. What does this even mean? She won’t ever belong to herself. This is what I have been feeling, and struggling with for some time.
Have you ever felt as though people have taken away a part of you? Parts you don’t know how to get back? I do. I feel it everyday. I feel as though piece by piece certain people have taken the parts of me that used to define me.
I’ve lost: Confidence. Trust. Faith. Happiness. Innocence.
They were replaced by what I feel now: Damaged. Empty. Weak. Broken. Jaded. Heartbroken. Pain.
I feel as though it is this all-consuming black hole. It is depleting the person I once was and I don’t know how to get her back. She has been replaced by this person I don’t recognize, and wish I didn’t know. But I’m getting to know her, and in fact I relate so well to her.
Everyday I tell myself that I am happy. That everything is going to be okay. That it is only temporary and eventually I will be the girl I used to know. I hate feeling like this, which is why it’s hard for me to talk about, and to admit to. I hate being the girl that doesn’t remember what it’s like to be happy. I try convincing myself that I just need to take it day by day because it’s going to get better. The hard part is…I don’t know if I believe it anymore.
I can’t help but wonder if this is how it’s always going to be. To the rest of the world, pretending that things are just fine. But inside, feeling as though I am struggling just to make it through the day. I don’t know how I got to this point. Maybe everyone is right and the past has finally caught up to me. I was too tired to keep running and now there is too much to fight through. I feel as though everything is out of my control. I feel as though I belong to the past, and the people that brought me to to this place. All I know is this: mentally, physically, and emotionally I am exhausted, and I’m not sure where to find the strength to keep fighting.
