Learning to Fly

Life truly is the most precious gift we are ever given. Working in a hospital, I look death in the face everyday. For me, the hard part isn’t death. When I say that I mean the actual event.

People get taken way too young, no matter what age. A grandparent that’s going to miss the birth of his future grandkids; a mother or father leaving behind their children; an adolescent not growing old with their close friends never getting to experience having children of their own; children who never get to have their first love, get their drivers licenses, go to prom; a newborn baby who doesn’t even really understand their parents love, who never gets to know the world outside the hospital.

While these are tragic and devastating events, for me that’s not the hardest part. The hardest part for me is seeing the people that have been left behind. Grieving family and friends that would do anything for a little bit more time. I feel bad for the ones that suddenly feel their heart breaking all over again as their loved ones favorite song comes on the radio. I feel for the ones that during every big event, wish that one person was there to share it with them.

It’s the ones that remain living that carry the biggest burden. While death is natural, and we all know it is inevitable, why doesn’t it make it easier when it comes knocking at our doors? The people that light up our lives and then are taken away leave this hole that is never completely filled.

As I sat at Justine’s funeral today I couldn’t help but wonder, would she still be here if she had known the extent of her friends love? Had she known how many people truly cared about her and her happiness…might she be with us today? If she saw how many people are grieving and hurting because they miss her so much…would it have changed her mind? Sometimes all it takes is an act of love, and we all had SO MUCH love to give her.

I just hope she sees it now. I hope she knows how much we love and miss her. How much she impacted our lives, and how none of us will ever be quite the same without her. 

I have written about a vast range of emotions. There is one specific event that I have never really talked about, never written about, never really dealt with. I think it’s finally time to talk about it because it is one memory that I keep replaying…keep dreaming about. Maybe I just need to get it out. 

That event is my last goodbye with Chris. When we checked him into the hospital that week, he promised me he was going to be fine. We talked about our future. We talked about all the things he still wanted to do with his life, and how I fit into every one of them. 

He got worse and worse. Slowly his organs started shutting down…giving up on him he said. His doctor came in and broke all the news to us…it would all end within the next 24 hours. 

That alone, was a blow I thought I would never recover from. How that feels…knowing that these are your last moments with one of the people you love the most in life. What do you say? What do you do? What do you talk about? You have one day to make sure that person knows everything you have ever wanted to say. It felt like someone had knocked me to the ground and suddenly I was gasping for breath. 

I made the decision right then that I had to be strong…for him. That these last 24 hours were going to be the best hours he had ever spent with me. We spent those hours telling stories with his parents…talked about our very best memories. All the things that brought joy to him in his life. We didn’t talk about the future anymore. In those moments the only thing that mattered was then and there. 

We didn’t get 24 hours. We only got 14. His parents knew it was coming and they just sat at the end of the bed, speechless, lifeless. They embraced each other because it was too painful to hold him. So I did. 

I held his hand. I told him I loved him. I told him that he was going to be out of pain soon and he was going to be so happy in heaven. I told him he would always be with us, and to watch over us because we really needed it. I told him that he was loved more than anything in the world. I told him that we were all going to be okay. I told him that just having him in our lives made us stronger, made us better people. 

I tried to be strong. His hand was in mine when he took his last breath. With his last breath he squeezed my hand. And then nothing. His arm was suddenly lifeless. His body unresponsive. I kept holding his hand in mine. I couldn’t let go. I still can’t let go. I looked up at his parents, the monitors flatlined into that awful prolonged beep. His mother stood up and stared at him, at the monitor, and then shouted “NOOOOO…..” as she collapsed into her husbands arms. 

A single tear rolled down my face as I kissed him on the cheek, and told him I loved him. The whole time I just kept thinking, Please don’t leave me. Please stay here with me. I am not strong enough for this, please don’t go. I walked out of his hospital room and collapsed onto the hospital floor. That day, as he died, something died inside me. A hurt, a pain, I have never felt before. A void that is still left unfilled. 

When it’s unexpected you wish for one more day, to say everything you need to say to them. I feel so blessed I got that opportunity. But I still wish for one more day. I wish to hold him in my arms one last time. I wish to feel him kiss my forehead. I wish that we could sit, with our feet in the sand one last time. 

Everyone wishes for one last day. One day would never be enough. He should have forever. He deserves forever. 

Can you tell me baby
What do you see in me
I’m a fast ride, I’m a crashing tide and
I’m crazy
Can you tell me baby
What do you see in me
You’ve loved a long line of consistency
I’m a different breed

I thought this topic would be a very nice follow up from the last post. I truly believe that sometimes life can be so mundane. We live day to day, in the same routines. Going through the same repetitive motions. Only sometimes, things do change. In one second, one minute, one hour, one day. Suddenly life is different, you are different. Suddenly you wish so deeply that you had the repetition back.

I think the best examples I can think of I this drastic change, is with great loss. Someone you love to the ends of the earth and back, is taken from you. There becomes this massive hole in your heart that no one can fill. There are no words anyone can say to fill the void, but they try because they love you.

You look back and constantly question how everything changed in the blink of an eye. How it was that 20 minutes before you were as happy as you had ever been, and after you feel as though you are dead among the living. I wish I had these great words of wisdom, that everything gets better over time. That they will always be with us, that they are at peace, that eventually our hearts will move on.

I’m still waiting. For the peace. For the void to be filled. I don’t know if it will ever come or if I will always feel as though a part of me is missing. I do know that despite the pain, despite this dark hole…I try my hardest to be happy. I know that’s what he would have wanted. I will always have the memories.

I am constantly reminded though. Sarah Evans I think describes it so well in these versus. She is talking about a different kind of loss, but I think the feelings are the same.

“Woke up late today, and I

Still feel the sting of the pain,

But I brushed my teeth anyway;

Got dressed through the mess

And put a smile on my face.

I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I’m

Tryin’ to ignore the hurt

So I turned on the radio—

Stupid song made me think of you.

I listened to it for a minute,

But then I changed it.

I’m getting; a little bit stronger;

Just a little bit stronger.

Doesn’t happen overnight, but you

Turn around a months gone by,

And you realize.

I know my heart will never be the same,

But I’m tellin’ myself I’ll be okay.

Even on my weakest days

I get a little bit stronger.

These are just parts of the song but I think these are the parts that I really relate to. I’m going to be okay, I know I am. But I can’t help but wonder how long it will hurt. I definitely have become a different person through it all.

I am more patient, more compassionate, more caring. It is true that every person you meet is fighting some kind of battle. We’re never alone. 

Do you remember when you were a kid? You felt everything: every bruise, bump, and cut.  The heartbreak you felt when your mom told you that you couldn’t have that toy, or game. The fear when your parents yelled at you.

As you get older, all those feelings, those sensations, seem to weaken. Maybe it’s the repetition, feeling the same thing over and over again. Maybe its knowing the outcomes. Yes, your dad is yelling at you but he isn’t really going to spank you like he threatens.

Either way, here you are, 15, 20, 25 years later and you are going through all the motions of life without ever feeling anything. Alarm goes off, wake up, shower, make coffee, go to work, come home, kiss your spouse, cook dinner, go to bed. Wake up the next morning and do it all again.

 Life is mundane. The things you used to get excited about, birthdays, Christmas, trips, seem more like a hassle than anything.

 I cant help but wonder if we are all going to succome to the conventional reality that has taken over America.

I have gotten to that point with lust and emotions. Love, not for me. Relationships…overrated. I haven’t gotten there with other feelings though. I don’t ever want to get to that place in which I cant find excitement or joy in the little things. I hope I always am overwhelmed standing on the beach looking out at the ocean. I hope that I always find happiness in friendship, in nature, in my work. Otherwise what’s the point of life?

Find the guy that can make me feel all these things and he will have my heart. A guy that can sit and stare breathless at a sunset, captivated by its beauty. A guy that would rather go on a hike with me than sit at home playing video games. A guy that’s idea of a perfect date is going to a baseball game, drinking beer and eating hotdogs.

 I don’t ever want to forget about the simple things in life, because they give me the most happiness. 

God has gained one of the most beautiful angels into his kingdom. Justine Alesna took her life this weekend. 

Justine was truly one of the happiest people I have ever met. She could turn anyones bad mood around. She taught us all so much about enjoying life and finding the true meaning of happiness. 

While we will always wonder, and never truly know what was going through her mind when she made this decision, we are all left shocked and saddened by our loss. 

I think the entire time I knew Justine, she has been teaching me lessons, and she taught me one more with her passing. I have learned how valuable friendships are. To remind my friends I love them with every opportunity I have. That there is always someone there, even when you feel all alone. 

I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could reach out to her. I wish I could let her know how much she was loved. I wish I could have been there. I wish I could have eased her pain. I wish I could give her one last hug, spend one more day with her. 

This is what I will take away from all of this. Everyone is fighting a battle, small or large. Everyone needs help sometimes. Everyone needs friends and love and support. Our time on this earth is limited, and we should spend that time helping as many people as possible. 

RIP Justine. You have taught us all how to laugh and love. Not a day will go by that we wont see your smiling face. Now you will have to watch over us with Haley. I hope you have found your peace darling. You will forever be loved and missed. 

So It has been a while since I have written. A very long while. I stopped because I think I got overwhelmed. 

I think the thought of my feelings actually being exposed to the world frightened me. It made me more vulnerable and that is one thing I have never been good at being. 

The past few weeks though I have jumped back on a roller coaster ride and realized that writing is one of the few ways I truly express myself. I was thinking of keeping it private but then I realized…I really have nothing to loose. 

So the first topic. The land of the “unsaid.” Since it goes with the territory of being bad at this feelings business, I often do not say or express the things I am thinking, or feeling, even when I know I should. I think of you…I need you…I miss you…These are some of the hardest things for me to say. They shouldn’t be I don’t think. I think they are natural for most people, but for some reason for me they aren’t that easy. 

I hear them a lot. It would seem logical I responded in the same way, but I don’t. I avoid those topics as much as I can. My goal from here on out is to attempt to vocalize my feelings more. I want to stop saying “I’m fine,” or “I’ll be ok,” just to avoid talking about things. You guys have to keep me to my word ;)

This new years, I stood on the top of a hotel rooftop overlooking Santa Barbara. I was surrounded by great friends, and my beautiful sister. The night was so close to perfect.

As we were counting down to midnight, 10…9….8…All I could think about was this past year. Friendships made, friendships lost. Mistakes. Accomplishments. Troubles. To describe it in one word would be this, indescribable.

I have had the highest highs and the lowest lows that my life has brought me in a very long time. I have made huge strides overcoming obstacles that lie in front of me.

I am on my way to becoming the person I have always wanted to be. Who knows what this year is going to bring, but I can tell you one thing….it is going to be amazing.

The beginning of 2010 was a sign that its meant to be a great year. And now I am sitting in an airport waiting to get on a plane to paris, and then spain to visit one of my very close friends and spend an amazing 10 days with her traveling around and running wild.

I know that this year, just like last, will continue to bring obstacles my way. But I know that I am strong enough to overcome them. I have already made huge leaps in getting better, getting healthy, and being happy.

So here is to a fantastic year, with good friends, great experiences, and new goals.

I miss you. You said you would always be here…but you aren’t. I keep picking up the phone to call you, or text you…and then it hits me…I can’t.

You were supposed to be there for me. It’s not fair. Now I’m here alone and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this.

I think one of the most frustrating things about life is that you have no idea when it is going to end. We could go to sleep and never wake up. We could be in a horrible car accident. Our body could give in to our illnesses.

The simple fact is I am not scared of death. I am ok with dying. It’s thinking about all the things I want to accomplish, and do, and see before my time that I worry about. So what I have decided is all the things I want to do, I am going to do! No excuses, no standing in my own way.

I am going to start living everyday like it’s my last, because it might be. To kick this resolution off, tomorrow morning I will be booking my flight to barcelona! 10 days in a beautiful country with one of my beautiful friends. :)

Ever since I was a little girl,
I’ve always wished for wings
to fly above the painful world
where the beautiful angels sing

I deeply wished to escape reality
and soar in the endless skies
where love is infinite and unconditional
relinquished from all the lies

To forget the suffering of the innocent
the tears of the broken wiped away
rising above this painful life
I’d gently float away

My wings would always guide me
the light to find my way
no plan, no limit, no directions,
never being led astray

My wings lie in my future
my journey has just begun
no restrictions, and no protection
But until I fly, I’ll run.

I realized today that I never really explained the title of my web page. “Learning to Fly,” what the heck does that mean?

When I was a little girl, I always wished I had wings. Every painful thing that happened, I remember looking out my window and thinking that if only I could fly away, if only I could escape, everything would be ok.

Later on in life I started relating a lot to the Beatles lyrics, “Take these broken wings and learn to fly.” The meaning has shifted a lot, but still I think it’s the same idea. Instead of physically flying, the meaning for me is that despite the struggles that I am strong enough to keep going. To keep fighting. To move on to the next obstacle. Learning to fly means winning, and losing with grace, and keeping my head held high. Flying means knowing what I want and working hard to get there. Flying means not letting the bad things in life keep me from enjoying the good. Flying means moving on from the past and looking forward from the future. Flying means breaking free emotionally.

Flying means never giving up.

I keep thinking that maybe if I keep pretending I’m okay, maybe I will be…

Beautiful Spirit

Beautiful Spirit, broken wings,
A soul that no longer desires to sing. 
Tender nature, hearts defiled,
By uttered words of deceit and guile.

Held together by frayed heartstrings
Uncertain of what tomorrow brings. 
Forever willing to take a chance,
For a wishful sigh or passing glance,

Beautiful spirit, yearns to heal,
To learn to cope and again to feel. 
To find the light to ease the pain,
Where memories play in sweet refrain.

Surrender will come, but at a cost, 
Of emotions spend, and passion lost. 
When treasures locked in memories, 
Are called to mind in reverie.

Beautiful spirit, still feels the pain, 
in flowing tears and glassy stains. 
Confusion swims in anguished eyes, 
As the heart gives in to loves demise.

For understanding has yet to come, 
When thoughts are scarred and the mind is numb. 
And letting go is just pretend,
When moonlight dreams won’t let it end.

Beautiful spirit, filled with doubt,
That relief will come to end the drought. 
That love will ever find a way, 
To restore the faith now led stray.

The road is vast, the wound is deep,
Ahead the road is long and steep.
But not alone, with hands to hold,
That provide me shelter from the cold.

Beautiful spirit, the fire has died,
as embers fade in a salty tide.
Darkness looms into the coming night,
With no spark to flame the inner light.

To stand alone, and face the gloom
Beneath the stars and lonesome moon.
Where tears are shed on velvet grass,
As you pray the night to quickly pass.

I can’t believe you are gone…

Everyone keeps telling me they want the truth. The “Real” me. The me behind the walls and closed doors. So this is it. This is the me without the sugar coating.

Firstly….I am the kind of girl who has always been “one of the guys.” I would much rather be in sweats but I dress up because that’s what has always been expected of me. I regret lots of things from my past. I love sports. I’ve always been the kind of girl where everyone knows my name, but no one really takes the time to get to know me. I am the type of girl that no matter how much pain I am in I will always take the time to make someone else feel better. I act tough, but I am probably not as tough as I seem. I am the type of girl that can take so much pain, and it all stays bottled inside. I’m the kind of girl that you would have no idea what really has happened in my life. I am the kind of girl that wishes everything could be different.

I am not perfect. My life is a wreck. I have a few friends that would die for me. I have the mental stability right now of a psychiatric patient. I smile when I want to cry. I laugh when I want to scream. I pretend that nothing is wrong because most of the time I can’t face the truth.  I hide behind fake smiles because I don’t know how to be anything other than okay. Behind the smile, behind the courage, behind the laughter, is the pain and hurt and sorrow that I am not ready to deal with. Sometimes all you can do is smile and pretend everything’s okay. Hold back the tears, and just walk away. I have lost almost all the people I depended on, whether it be death or betrayal. But despite everything that’s happened, the one reason I keep hanging on and fighting, is the hope that one day it will all get better.

Sometimes people get hurt in certain ways, and can never be fixed. They don’t tell you that when you are little. It’s hard watching the people in your life break, but it’s even harder when you break. When I broke, I was told…”Never tell your problems to anyone…20% don’t care, and the other 80% are glad you have them.” I still tell myself that everyday.

I have never believed in a perfect ending. I believe life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up… Most of life’s lessons are learned in pain but sometimes letting go of the past is the only way to survive the present. The thing is, you don’t know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have. I don’t have the luxury of putting things off to “one of these days,” or “someday.”

So how do I feel now? This is how I feel. I feel like I have been fighting my entire life and all I want is a break. I feel like I am giving all I can, but it’s never enough. I feel like people want to understand, but I don’t think they can. I feel like everyday when I wake up, it’s a little worse than the last. I feel like I am overwhelmed at the battles that lie ahead of me and I am trying to take them one step at a time. I feel like I might not be strong enough to get through them. I feel like what I really need to do is shut up, not involve anyone and silently fight my battles. I feel like I am too much of a burden to anyone else. I feel scared. I feel frustrated. And I feel like the strength I need to do this all is fading fast.